It Was All Constance P's Doing

And now she's come up with some more things Neurocam might be for them to disclaim.

Lord only knows where all this will end.

I'm very much enamoured of EgoTript's description of the 'Cam as "the fucked up leading the hypnotised" (as in "If politics is the blind leading the blind, entertainment is..").

If they deny being that, I'll have to find a new subtitle for this blog and shall be most put out. Just in case anyone thought I was trying to get in on the act.

I think Neurocam is what Discordians refer to as a 'fnord'.

The Cam's Policy: Deny Everything

In the 90 minutes since my last post, a whole slew of new disclaimers have gone up, many of them dazzlingly surreal; it's starting to look like the inverted results of a Googlism query. (Although Googlism itself doesn't have anything to say about Neurocam, or Robin Hely, or Briele Hansen, it did return quite a few hits for Peter Burke, and a handful for Lisa Andrews. Yeah, I've got too much time on my hands.)

robinhely.com, meanwhile, remains textually unchanged - but the colour scheme has been very slightly diversified.

The Many Faces Of robinhely.com

What's up with robinhely.com? They're calling it the Daily Neuroclue.

For a while it seemed to have become a kind of informal adjunct to the official Neurodisclaimer.

(Which, incidentally, added a new denial the other day: "Neurocam is not the Ringling Brothers", shortly after operative Li ingeniously deduced, in a comment at Lady J's, that Neurocam is in fact a clown school. Since then, a few more have materialised: the Cam is not influenced by 'the' Thelema, apparently - nor is it a literary awareness program, or a herpes virus, or an initiation process, or...)

Earlier in the week, decked out in arresting blood-red, robinhely.com proclaimed - contrary to some idle speculations - that Lady J is not behind Neurocam, and that she is not operative Briele Hansen.

A few days ago the site changed tack, abandoning its usual "x is not y" format in favour of a single name (on hot pink this time): "LISA ANDREWS". The Lisa Andrews in question appears to be a Sydney-based video artist, who can be tenuously connected to Mr. Hely and Peter Burke via video art showcase Projekt. Discussion at LJ's here, where it's implied by Sydney operative Shemyaza that Ms Andrews is the local "Area Coordinator of Neurocam's Operations" he reports being contacted by here.

And today? Today, in green text cunningly camouflaged by an identical green background, we're told that robinhely.com "IS NOT AN OFFICIAL CAM SITE" and that it "DOES NOT BELONG TO BRIELE HANSEN [its whois listed registrant] OR ROBIN HELY OR NEUROCAM".

No doubt by the time you read this, it'll say something else.

Neurostalking

With nothing pressing to do this afternoon, and nothing forthcoming from Young "slackarse" Atom about it, I decided to tram it out to Neurocam's supposed HQ on St. Kilda Rd and see what was up.

Nothing spectacular to report - it's a quiet, leafy, three-story complex of 20 apartments, situated directly opposite the Royal Victorian Institute for the Blind, and identified by plaques on either side of the gates to its parking facilities as "The Clivedon".

Online research suggests it's being used for both residential and commercial purposes, but there's no visible signage, apart from an estate agent's board out the front advising that unit no. 15 is to let.

On my way home, I couldn't help noticing that the prominent billboard ad for online employment service seek.com at St Kilda Junction currently advises commuters in fifty foot letters of fire (okay, several foot letters of pastel blue) to "SEEK HAPPINESS". I wonder what Innocence's legal department would have to say about that.

Not that they've got anything to do with Neurocam, if you believe the Cam's recently updated disclaimer page, which claims "Neurocam is not Innocence". (Nor, we're told, is Neurocam "Complicant" - apparently a reference to this - or "anything to do with spiral dynamics". They've also disassociated themselves from Jason Mahling's Splint project, and the manufacture of recreational drugs in the Netherlands - although not the manufacure of recreational drugs anywhere else, which might be significant. Or possibly not.)

Perhaps not uncoincidentally, a plug for Neurocam in the January 8th entry of Shelly Innocence's online journal Shellywood (as in "My sister Kelly came over today and said 'Shelly, you must try Neurocam!'") was replaced at some point over the last week with one for everybody's favourite subcutaneously administered anti-wrinkle toxin botox.

The Cam's disclaimer page has also stated for some time now that Neurocam is not Archavida, apparently in response to Archavida's site pointedly declaring that Archavida is not Neurocam. But someone using the name of notorious (former?) Neuro-associate Robert Henley has registered the domain name www.archavida.org. Meanwhile - as spotted by Mr. Cardoza - Archavida's Harry Smith, using the same contact details, has registered the domain name www.neuocam.org.

Both sites remain vacant at time of writing.

I have completed a fifth of assignment NCI-2332/01 (aka "Operation: Magus"), but I'm bound not to disclose anything about that.

A Technical Query

It's come to my attention that those viewing Trysting Fields using Internet Explorer have to scroll all the way to the bottom of the page to see the sidebar, for some reason. If anyone has any idea how to fix this, please let me know.

Assignment NCI-2332/01 & a physical address for Neurocam (maybe)

I've received a new assignment, and I'm not the only one - Xade refers to it here, as - I think - does the geographically far-flung Lady J here.

It has something to do with The Magus.

(I wonder if I should wear my official Neurocam identifier whilst engaged on this one? Hmm. Doing so is an "essential requirement of all future assignments", it says here. So I suppose I shall have to.)

In other news, it appears that neurocam.com's whois entry was updated on the 20th. Previously without any IRL details, it's now registered to an address on St. Kilda Rd under the names Neville Harris (administrative contact) and Ronald Hacknell (technical contact) - the latter using the 'operations' email address generally associated with Charles Hastings.

Young Atom - who, incidentally, appears to have also been tasked with Assigment NCI-2332/01, says in the comments to this post at Lady J's that he's going to go & check it out tomorrow.

Finally, a fantastic post/musing/articulate drunken rant by Avery Cardoza about how best to approach the 'unveiling' that is Neurocam here.

Covert Delivery NCI-3001/02 (Part 2 - Execution)

Lots of 'Cam related activity this evening - completed my first proper Neuromish, "Covert Delivery NCI-3001/02" between 6 and 7pm, and followed this up by creating my long-contemplated Neuroblog.

I opted to bus it out to the 'secure transfer location' alone (haven't told any of the handful of people I know in Melbourne about my involvement with Neurocam yet. Maybe I should. Hmm). Initially misinterpreting the scale of the provided map, I spent about half an hour wandering around - as inconspicuously as I could manage, naturally - looking for the safe over a much wider area than necessary.

I almost gave up, before twigging to my misunderstanding and sighting what was pretty unmistakeably the 'camouflaged' repository in question. It was nestled in a not-orthodoxly-accessible area, which required some minor clambering to get to, cunningly disguised as a piece of rubbish. It was, impressively, cemented in place.

Inside were somewhere in the region of thirty-odd envelopes - mostly small white ones, and a few slightly larger manilas. All were stamped with the familar "NEUROCAM GET OUT OF YOUR MIND" insignia and had operatives names scrawled on them in biro. Looking through them to find mine, which was one of the manilas, I spotted a few familar names, and a lot of unfamilar ones.

Wondered whether I should be more thorough (count the envelopes, note down the names etc) but having already lingered too long in the region of the site, which was not particularly private, and being aware of the possibility - both from the assignment brief and from another, rather interesting feature of the location (which I'm keeping quiet about until I hear what others have to say about it) - that I was being watched and assessed for my discretion and conformity to proscribed protocol, I simply resecured the safe, pocketed my envelope, and vacated the area.

Opening it up once I got home, as per instructions, I found it contained my "official Neurocam Identifier" - a small red button badge featuring a distinctive glyph of an eye encircled by the letters "N - E - U - R - O - C - A - M" and a form letter on Neurocam letterhead from Bridget Fischer (square brackets = handwritten bits):

Dear Operative [Teigan]

Excellent Work!

You have now completed your first Neurocam assignment.

Combined with the successful completion of Neurocam's application process, you are now awarded full accreditation for operational deployment

As a signifier of your accreditation, you are now permitted to publicly display the official Neurocam identifier (included with this correspondence). This will assist external parties in the identification of the existing relationship between yourself and our organisation. The prominent display, upon your person, of this identifier will also be an essential requirement of all future assignments.

Please be aware that Neurocam International highly prizes its strong corporate image and reputation. Your continued involvement with us is conditional upon the demonstration of a public manner which will in no way reflect poorly upon the organization. Conduct contrary to this condition, such as overt aggression, physical violence, or any similar potentially embarrassing or disruptive behaviour displayed whilst wearing the Neurocam identifier, will result in the immediate termination of your involvement with the organization.

Your operational deployment is effective immediately. To confirm collection of this package, and to initiate the receipt of further assignment detail, please contact Charles Hastings, Head of Neurocam's operations division, and quote the following code - NC [four digits]

Congratulations once again and welcome to the Neurocam team!

Warm Regards,

[signature]

Bridget Fischer
CEO
Asia-Pacific Quadrant
Neurocam International

So I fired off the following to Chuck:

From: Teigan
To: Charles Hastings (Neurocam Operations)
Subject: Completion of Assignment NCI-3001/02 (attn: Charles Hastings)
Date: 20 January 2005 8:21:18 PM

Charles -

As per instructions, I hereby confirm that I have completed NCI-3001/02 (Neurocam Identifier - Covert Delivery) and quote the following code: NC ****.

I look forward to wearing my official Neurocam identifier on future assignments.

- Teigan

And, later in the evening, in the midst of setting up this very blog, received the following response:

To: Teigan
From: Charles Hastings (Neurocam Operations)
Subject: Verification Received
Date: 20 January 2005 9:52:35 PM

Dear Operative Teigan

Verification of assignment completion has been received.

Congratulations and welcome to Neurocam!

Neurocam International’s Operations Division is currently examining the surveillance footage gathered during the completion of your assignment. Your performance will soon be assessed in accordance with operational protocol.

Once that assessment is complete you will be contacted with the details of your next assignment.

Congratulations once again, it’s a pleasure to welcome you to the Neurocam team.

Regards,

Charles Hastings
Head, Operations Division
Neurocam International

My First Assignment: Covert Delivery NCI-3001/02 (Part 1 - Briefing)

From: Charles Hastings (Neurocam Operations)
To: Teigan
Subject: ASSIGNMENT: NEUROCAM IDENTIFIER
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 22:00:04 +1100

Dear Operative

Welcome to Neurocam!

This correspondence contains the details of your first assignment.

ASSIGNMENT: NEUROCAM IDENTIFIER - COVERT DELIVERY NCI-3001/02

(A) MISSION

The successful covert and secure collection of a standardized "Neurocam Identifier".

(B) EXECUTION

The secure transfer will be executed as follows. Deviation from operational protocol as outlined will result in instant termination of your involvement with Neurocam.

1. Travel to the secure transfer location (refer to map provided).

2. At this location, carefully camouflaged, there is an electronic safe. Using the map provided, locate that safe.

3. Carefully remove the camouflage.

5. Enter code **** and open the safe.

6. Take ONLY the package with your Operative ID written on it.

7. Re-secure the safe.

8. Replace camouflage in such a way as to ensure that Neurocam's property remains unable to be easily located by non-Neurocam personnel.

9. Vacate the area.

10. Once in a secure location, open the package.

(C) TIMELINE

This assignment must be successfully completed by Monday January 31, 2005.

(D) OPERATIONAL SECURITY

The Operations Division appreciates that attendance at a remote locale, based primary on correspondence and data gathered via telecommunications, is known to raise risk profile issues with respect to standard urban environment factors.

To address potential concerns of operational personnel in this instance, permission is granted to invite a person of your choice to accompany while executing the mission. Your judgment in this case is being trusted - and, of course, judged. Should you elect to do so, choose a companion that can be trusted not to disclose to any other party Neurocam's operational protocol and proprietary industrial practices.

Please be aware that, for the purpose of additional security and quality control, you will be monitored throughout the completion of this assignment.

Regards,

Charles Hastings
Head, Operations Division
Asia-Pacific Quadrant
Neurocam International

Welcome to Neurocam!

Received this today, from Neuro-CEO Bridget Fischer:

From: Bridget Fischer
To: Teigan12
Subject: Welcome to Neurocam!
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2005 08:25:56 +1100

Dear Operative teigan

Welcome to Neurocam!

I am pleased to advise that I hereby offer you a position within Neurocam International.

Your Perception Assignment report was evaluated in accordance with our pre-determined assessment criteria. Neurocam's Human Resources and Security Division found that your report demonstrated a minimum of seven of the ten qualities desired by Neurocam International. This rating determines that you would be an appropriate candidate for operational deployment.

Neurocam International hopes that you will accept this offer and that this act will mark the beginning of a sustained mutually beneficial association with our organization. Upon acceptance of our offer you will immediately receive accreditation for ongoing operational deployment, a privilege achieved by less than 26% of applicants.

Your operational deployment will be effective immediately, although the details of your first assignment will remain confidential until such time as the Operations Division contacts you. Be aware, the date of your first assignment will be determined by a variety of factors (including, but not limited to, your current location, your age and the state of any current Neurocam operations within your area). Although your deployment is effective immediately, Neurocam can not guarantee the exact date upon which you will receive your first assignment.

Being part of Neurocam is a responsibility we expect you to take very seriously. Neurocam International highly prizes its strong corporate image and reputation, so your continued involvement with us is conditional upon the demonstration of a public manner which will in no way reflect poorly upon the organization. Conduct contrary to this condition, such as overt aggression, physical violence, or any similar potentially embarrassing or disruptive behaviour displayed during the completion of assignments, will result in the immediate termination of your involvement with the organization.

I have included with this letter a copy of one of Neurocam’s introductory brochures - "A brief guide to being a Neurocam operative". It should answer the majority of questions you may have. If, however, you have any further questions, please contact the Head of Neurocam's Human Resources and Security Division, Maxwell Knight (maxwell.knight@neurocam.com), as he will be happy to respond to your queries.

Congratulations on completing Neurocam’s application process. I take great pleasure in being the first to welcome you to the Neurocam team.


A brief guide to being a Neurocam Operative

The Neurocam Operative

There are multiple streams of Neurocam involvement, however the majority of recruits commence their relationship with Neurocam as a Field Operative (or simply 'Operative'). For this reason the following section addresses several frequently asked questions in relation to the practical aspects of becoming, being and retiring from being an Operative.

Operative Life

Recruitment
Recruitment into Neurocam and our organisation is undertaken via a range of methods, both standard and innovative. Operatives are recruited from a range of backgrounds. Each brings to our programme a unique range of skills required by our organisation and together our network of operatives form an indispensable aspect of this endeavor.

Despite repeated speculation otherwise, potential recruits self-select. Following selection they undertake a preliminary assignment while mandatory administrative activities are undertaken. While appropriate verification and positive vetting methods are resource intensive, to date we have been able to obtain information on all operatives adequate to our needs. We have no reason to anticipate any change to this situation.

The Human Resources and Security Division further employs a range of investigative techniques in support of recruitment and vetting processes.

NB: Further information in relation to background checks shall be made available to operatives engaged in Human Resource-related assignments.

Recruit travel and residency

Neurocam International is part of a multifaceted organization with operations throughout the world. We have operatives in countries such as: Australia; New Zealand; the United States of America; Nigeria; Kenya; Japan; Netherlands; Germany and the United Kingdom.
Residence within any single country is not a requisite of continued Neurocam involvement. Recruits may communicate with their contact via their usual channels (where these are available) while traveling. Alternatively, secondary or replacement, arrangements can be negotiated (at the discretion of Neurocam International) to support you during travel, or following relocation.
In extraordinary circumstances, Neurocam may contact you while away from your general residence in relation to its current assignment needs. Participation at such times is voluntary.

Retirement

The Executive of Neurocam International regards any cessation of an Operative's involvement as regrettable; however we accept that this will, on occasion, be unavoidable. Recruits and/or Operatives wishing, for what ever reason, to terminate their involvement need only send an e-mail which expresses this wish. Upon receipt of such an e-mail, all contact with the individual will immediately discontinue. There will be no further correspondence with you.

Assignments

As a recruit you will be placed on assignment. Our requirements are highly varied and recruits are frequently called upon to undertake both diversionary and directly productive assignments. At this point, the exact number and nature of Neurocam assignments must remain confidential, however all applicants who enter the recruitment process will be invited to participate in one, or more, assignments. As recruits progress through initial assessments, and as mandatory administrative processes progress, they may be offered Field Operative status.

Field Operatives are vital to the organisation achieving its aims with the Neurocam programme. Field Operative status ensures your continued inclusion in Neurocam endeavours. The frequency of assignments varies in accordance with programme requirements. In general Operatives are activated once every 20-30 days.

Public Relations/Assignment Security

We do not actively discourage general discussion about Neurocam. We would prefer that Operatives display a high degree of discretion when relating details of Neurocam's operational practices.

Inappropriate disclosure of details pertaining to upcoming assignment(s) that result in the compromise of the assignment(s) can result in disciplinary action.

Participant health and safety

Neurocam International prides itself on its safety record. Unforeseen circumstances not-withstanding, Neurocam attempts at all times to provide operatives with all the information they require to undertake assignments in a safe and secure manner. Operatives are not knowingly sent into situations that pose a significant risk to Operative health or safety. In short, we will never intentionally place our operatives or employees in overly risky or dangerous situations without their prior consent.

NB: Neurocam premises are protected by state-of-the-art security measures, including both passive and active protections.

Contact between operatives

Operatives are not prohibited from entering into correspondence, or other contact, between Operatives during the completion of assignments, or otherwise. Operatives are expected to fully report such correspondence/contact.

Operational intelligence (including media)

Operational intelligence in the form of tangible media, or the electronic means to produce such, relating to an assignment is always both appropriate and welcome unless the Operative is specifically advised otherwise within the assignment brief.

Time zones

Assignment dates and times always refer to an Operative's current time zone upon receipt of the assignment brief.

Failure

The nature of consequence is relative to the nature and cause of non-compliance. The most severe penalty, however, is generally termination of an operative's involvement with Neurocam.


Warm Regards,

Bridget Fischer
CEO
Neurocam International

EgoTript Smelt My Spicy Brains

Some correspondence with stalwart operative EgoTript today - he put out a general call for Neurocam-related input on the 4th, and I responded with an account of my Neuro-spondence to date. Mentioned that I was thinking about starting a blog, but waiting to see what (if anything) my application yeilded. He said that he thought it was a good idea and that "even if the cam fizzles and fades you write well enough to warrant some exposure". Shucks etc.
Hi Tript, if you're out there.

Applicant Perception Assessment NCI-2001/01 (Part 3 - Report Receipt Verification)

From: Charles Maxwell (Neurocam Operations)
To: Teigan
Subject: Report Receipt Verification
Date: 7 January 2005 11:56:16 PM

Dear Applicant Teigan

Verification of Perception Assessment NCI-2001/02 completion has been received.

Neurocam International’s Operations Division is currently reviewing your report. Your performance will soon be assessed in accordance with operational criteria. This assessment will complete your application process.

Once our review is complete you will be contacted and informed of the status of your application. Please be aware that this may take between seven to ten working days.

I assure you, however, that Neurocam will be in contact with you again.

Regards,

Charles Hastings
Head, Operations Division
Neurocam International

Applicant Perception Assessment NCI-2001/01 (Part 2 - The Report)

"Applicant Perception Assessment NCI-2001/01 (Part 2 - The Report)"

From: Teigan
To: Neurocam Operations
Subject: APPLICANT PERCEPTION ASSESSMENT NCI-2001/01
Date: 7 January 2005 3:42:09 PM

So I'm standing at the (lower) tram stop on Fitzroy St. waiting for the No 16 into town, my phone alarm starts bleeping and I realise it's four o'clock. For the purposes of "Applicant Perception Assessment NCI-2001/01" for Neurocam, I'm required to "write a detailed account of everything that happens" between now and 9pm.

(Bemused by the sweeping vaguery of this, I wrote a somewhat smart-arsey email to Neurocam Operations seeking clarification of the directive - for example, what about things occurring between 9pm & 4pm in other timezones? To my surprise I received an ostensibly serious response from one Charles Hastings, Head of Operations, which put me back in my box. "The interpretation of the instructions contained within Neurocam Perception Assessment NCI-2001/02 is entirely at the discretion of the applicant." Okay then. "Everything that happens" means whatever I want it to mean. Easy. For practical purposes, I choose to interpret "things that happen" as being limited to "things I perceive to be happening". But I digress.)

I look around, and of course an infinite number of things are happening out there. It's Monday, but being January 3rd there's a weekendy vibe abroad; loads of people out, the outdoor tables of the cafes and bars and restaurants along Fitzroy St are filled with them, all creating infinite happenings within their own little orbits. Between a mild sense of information overload, abstractly wondering what constitutes "something happening" and pondering the enigmatic nature of Neurocam, I find myself slipping into magical thinking mode. My eyes rest on a half-full waxed paper cup of Pepsi abandoned at my feet, with two straws, and I catch myself wondering what it could be trying to tell me. Or what my brain is trying to tell me by focussing my attention on it. Or something.

The tram pulls up and it's pretty packed - being unable to sit down and read my book, this arbitrary-significance-divining perceptual mode continues. I try to observe the people (a large swarm of asian tourists, spanning the age spectrum; a portly, bent old man in a black baseball cap; a spotty, unconvincingly dressed young man with bad hair standing awkwardly by the doors; a skinny, beaky, angular twentysomething guy with a shaved head in a blue singlet and orange-tinted wraparound sunnies observing him, with what might be pity or contempt. Some teenage girls, all giggles and charm bracelets and SMS-bleeping colourful phones. Mmm teenage girls. No, stop staring) but they don't seem remarkable enough to constitute anything happening.

I look out the window, and it's the numberplates of passing cars which start catching my eye, for whatever reason. We're at some lights on St. Kilda Rd and it's a blue Subaru with a plate that says "SEE 382". Two cars behind it, spookily enough (or not) a red Toyota with "CEE 843". See what, exactly?

Weirdly futuristically-decorated silver van advertising itself as the property of "All Terrier Motives" Pet Care and Grooming service. All Terrier Motives? Oh, okay. Ulterior Motives. Ingenious. Maybe they're a front for Neurocam. Maybe the van is a mobile covert surveillance unit. And the plate? "CFL 643" - yes, good message, be careful. You are thinking like a psychotic person, however idly or casually. Stop it at once. Point taken. Nissan ute behind it: SFE 764. I'm safe now, having pulled myself up short. Phew. And we've reached Flinders St. Station.

A bunch of people get off and I sit down, take out the book I'm reading - "Down & Dirty Pictures: Miramax, Sundance and the Rise of Independent Film" by Peter Biskind - but quickly become irritated at Biskind's incessant personal sniping at Robert Redford under the guise of critiquing his management of the Sundance Institute and end up texting my friend Evan: "Sometimes I question your commitment to Sparkle Motion"; a "Donnie Darko"-derived injoke pertaining to his failure to send me, as promised, the manuscript-in-progress of his new novel. Think about the director Tom DeCillo - quoted, bagging Redford, in the text - for a while. His "Living In Oblivion" with Steve Buscemi as a harried film director struggling against insurmountable obstacles - including a premadonnaish Brad Pitt analogue called 'Chad Palamino' - was a classic.

I am trying to recultivate my interest in film.
I am doing Cinema Studies at Melbourne Uni next year.
That's what this tram ride is about.
I'm going to their Information Centre in Parkville to get myself a copy of the Undergraduate Handbook.

That's what's happening.

I'd called the Info Centre prior to departing, and gotten an 'all our operators are taking other calls' message, suggesting they were open. But they aren't, I discover upon arrival. They're reopening after the Xmas-new year break tomorrow, according to a sign on their door.

The phone rings. It's my mum, calling from Rosedale, on the NSW coast. She informs me that it's a public holiday today, doofus (she herself does not call me 'doofus') and that a pelican has just shat all over the car, but that she & dad are having a lovely time. I wish them my best.

Wander around the campus a bit. It's so pretty. I am going to like studying here, I think.

Sitting on a bench having a cigarette, and a man walks by listening to an iPod - or some other portable audio device with the distinctive white earbuds from an iPod plugged into it. They're very ugly and noticeable a mile away, those white earbuds, hence a poor design from the consumer's standpoint - but a stroke of marketing genius in the sense that they subtly advertise the ubiquity of the iPod to all and sundry. You see them everywhere at the moment. Or at least I do. Maybe that's just coz I want one so badly. Mmm, high capacity portable hard-disk-based digital music players.

Cross back over Swanston St just in time to hop on a tram back to Kilda.

First half of the tramride passes in a haze. The song "Mistaken Identity" by Delta Goodrem, which was playing on Channel V at the gym this morning, has taken up residence in my forebrain and won't dislodge.

Notice a swarm of maybe thirty or forty distinguished looking men in business suits, swaggering like they've just emerged from a long working lunch, up Dorcas (or possibly Coventry) Street and onto St. Kilda Road. But - and here's the thing which makes it out-of-the-ordinary enough to qualify as a 'happening' - their suits are all exactly the same shade of muted peach. They are all wearing the exact same satiny peach-coloured tie. The effect is completely surreal. I look around for cameras. Surely it's a setup of some kind. But there are no cameras. Weird.

*beep! beep!* Ev, quite the surrealist himself, texts me back, epically: "Have u considered a career in sockpuppetry. Analysts predict the market 4 skilled sockpuppeteers will increase exponentially ovr the nxt decade. It's estimated tht by 2025 every home in the industrialised wrld will b fitted w/ a full-featured sockpuppet theatre. Affluent dwellings will hve 2. xxEv"

An unkempt, depressingly young woman gets on at St Kilda Junction and starts chatting happily away to herself about how various major world leaders are actually robots, and the Port Philip City Council is secretly a paedophile ring, merely milking the whole 'local government' schtick to lend itself a veneer of respectability. Everyone else on the tram studiously creates this weird psychic deadzone around her, rendering the atmosphere much stranger than her strange behaviour alone would have done. Not wanting to conspire in this alienating treatment, I briefly make eye contact, which she seems to like. Then I realise I could easily wind up in the deeply undesirable position of becoming a replacement for the apparently imaginary person she's currently talking to. Quickly cut away, falling regretfully into line with the other not-overtly-insane passengers on the tram completely ignoring her. This situation reminds me of living in London in 1999.

Reflect on how differently people who live in teeming metropoli - as opposed to rural hamlets like Canberra - relate to each other as strangers in public spaces.

Dismount back on Fitzroy, cross the road, head up the street. Still lots of people out. Hit by a sudden pang of loneliness passing the Prince of Wales. Turn the corner onto the Esplanade. Stop for a cigga, looking wistfully out to sea. Feel glad that - whatever else may be lacking in my life - I do at least live in a beautiful place.

Synchronistically, just as I'm feeling all self-piteous and angstridden, who should call but Canberra's answer to Marla "I've just swallowed a bottle of Xanax" Singer, JF. She's in conniptions about whether or not she should move back into her parents place, since the rigours of living on her own are just too much for her. "I just lack the basic living skills necessary to sustain myself independently!" she whines. Gently suggest that perhaps she could maybe, like, try and learn them. "Oh, I hate learning things. *audible pout*"

Find myself becoming increasingly irritated at her flakiness and start lapsing into flippancy and sarcasm, which she is too self-absorbed to detect, irritating me even further. Her myriad 'problems' are all entirely self-generated and she has no real interest in resolving them, because that would deprive her of her only significant preoccupation in life, leaving her with nothing to talk about except her tedious accountancy job which she hates. I've known toasters with more self-awareness than this woman.

I start to make "well, gotta go" sorts of noises but these make no impact either since she is experiencing a Major Emotional Crisis and it's inconceivable that I could possibly have anything better to do than listen to her piss and moan interminably for the remainder of the afternoon.

After about forty minutes, the conversation finally ends like this:
Her: "Look, I'm *sorry* if my problems are difficult or unpleasant for you to hear about, but I --"
Me: "J, it's not that they're difficult and unpleasant to hear about, it's just boring. Okay? They're boring. Goodbye." (Click.)

Go into Coles on Acland St., wondering vaguely if I have been unconscionably horrible. Ultimately decide I haven't. Brutally honest, certainly - but, I rationalise, when someone's lost perspective to the extent that she unquestionably has, to be brutally honest is doing them a favour. Cruel, kind, etcetera. Buy cheese, bananas, tuna, pasta sauce (complete with a tag around its neck: "Try new Dolmio pizza topping's" - tsk), toilet cistern disinfectant pellets, corn, bread, ciggas.

Go home. Pass the quiet middleaged bald man (Darren? Daryl?) who lives down the corridor with his six year old daughter (Sophie?) on my way in. She is eating a strawberry paddlepop. I say hi. He says hi. She says hi.

Unpack my shopping. Install one of my new toilet cistern pellets and take a shit. Make a sandwich. Switch on the 'puter and start writing up this account. Switch on the news, so that I can at least make some reference to things which have happened outside of my own personal sensory sphere.

The first ten minutes are tsunami-fallout coverage. Since the disaster itself occurred days ago I decide this material doesn't qualify as pertaining to anything that's happened this afternoon.

In other news, four people have drowned at Warnabool bay. One family lost loved ones from three generations. Grabs of a visibly distressed woman in sunglasses talking about this. The Bakhtiyaris have arrived in Pakistan. Vanstone intends to bill them for at least a third of the $3 million in legal fees, detainment and deportation costs they've 'incurred' during their Australian jaunt, the stingy bitch. In finance, the relative values of various international currencies have fluctuated yet again. Sport. Cricket. Tennis. More tennis. Blah. Weather: it was a mostly sunny day around the state today. Allegedly. But not here in Melbourne, I can attest - it's been pleasantly warm but equally pleasantly cloudy.

Does the weather constitute something which is happening? It's notoriously the thing you talk about when you haven't got anything more happening to talk about, so perhaps not.

An eye for semantics is a trait highly valued by the management of Neurocam International, apparently. So perhaps my best bet is to emphasise my eye for semantics in this account, rather than my eye for what's actually going on around me - which is rolled back into my head most of the time, lending me a disconcerting, zombielike appearance that frequently causes sensitively disposed types to run away screaming in terror when they see me coming up the street. No, really.

7:30 Report. More ghastly tsunami tragededom, inevitably. The news media's apparent difficulty in covering a story so large-scale - both geographically and in terms of its practical and human impacts - is interesting, and - at a stretch - comparable to the challenge facing those attempting Perception Assessment NCI-2001/02. At least, those poor souls who weren't privy to the 'interpret at your discretion' caveat I was lucky-slash-intrepid enough to discover.

Everything that happens. Everything that happens. It's deliberately vague, of course. It doesn't say "everything that happens to YOU" for a reason. It's inviting broad interpretation. This pontification counts as valid content because it's happening right now, in my brain and on my keyboard, and it's 8pm.

Good evening, thanks for joining us.

My attention has just been caught by the trailer on the teev for the first ep of a documentary series called "Altered Statesmen" (tonight: the inside story of Ronald Reagan's cognitive decline subsequent to being shot by John Hinckley in 1981) which appeals. But it's on at 8:30 and X is semi-expecting me at his place in ** at 9:30ish, which I'm not a hundred percent sure I know how to get to, so I should probably be en route by then.

I wonder whether I should eat something, or get some food on the way, or whether we'll end up going out for KFC or some such later in the evening. This latter seems a likely scenario.

Hmm.

Fuck it, I had a sandwich.

Don't even know if I want to go really. Maybe I'll just stay in and continue reading my copy of VicRoads Publication Number 00568/6 "Road To Solo Driving" ("Learning to Drive - Driving to Learn" - odd choice of subtitle for a manual aimed at pre-"L"-platers).

Postscript: I ended up staying in and watching the doco, which was quite interesting. Nothing else happened.

ATTACHED:


worst.jpg - Still from David Fincher's "Fight Club" (1999) depicting Helena Bonham-Carter as Marla Singer and Edward Norton as "Jack", juxtaposed with a promotional shot of a Nokia 6610 mobile telephone, representing my horrible conversation with JF the psychic vampire, the worst thing that happened today.


best.jpg - Notably nondescript found photo purportedly of St. Kilda beach, representing a brief and somewhat empty moment of vague contentment I experienced whilst looking out over said beach, the best thing that happened today.

Applicant Perception Assessment NCI-2001/01 (Part 1 - The Day In Question)

This was the day upon which, for the purposes of "Applicant Perception Assessment NCI-2001/01", I and my contemporary Neurocam registrees were required to "document everything that happens between 4pm and 9pm". I did this, completing my report and submitting it on the deadline day, Friday 7th.

New Year, New Blog

Good evening. The primary purpose of this blog is to document my involvement with the enigmatic organisation known as Neurocam. I don't know exactly what Neurocam is (here's a list of things they purport not to be) but whatever its underlying purpose - if there is one - there's some indication that the 'Cam wants its operatives to keep blogs, detailing any relevant activities and thoughts.

So here's mine. Hello.

I've been sniffing round what fellow new recruit - and Neuro-theoretician nonpareil - Lady J refers to as 'the Neurocam hole' for almost exactly a month now, so some quick 'n' dirty initial catchup is in order. (Despite the date tag, I'm actually writing this on the 20th of January.)

Neurocam first penetrated my consciousness via this Metafilter thread of December 18, which links to this article (free registration required) from that day's edition of Melbourne's premier daily broadsheet The Age.

I was inclined, like this Metafilter poster, to call 'bullcrap art project' on the whole thing, but my curiosity was piqued nonetheless. As bullcrap art projects go, this was a singularly labyrinthine and intruiging one.

The Age article pointed to Neurocam's official website, a couple of amorphously related other sites (including Shelly Innocence and Who is Robert Henley?), and the blogs of a few established Neurocam operatives, notably Graham Henstock (now retired) and EgoTript. I read, was fascinated, but remained uncertain about whether or not I actually wanted to get involved.

But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I poured over Neuro-discusions on various fora (such as 23rdian and "alternate reality gaming" board unfiction), and scoured a few other operatives' blogs: Xade, HamishJ and Q (who is not technically an operative but who Knows Something), as well as pages about other projects by apparent Neurocam 'puppetmasters' Peter Burke & Robin Hely.

Finally, on December the 19th, I took the plunge and filled in the online registration form.

A few hours later, I received the following autogenerated response:

From: Neurocam Enquiries
Reply-To: Maxwell Knight
To: Teigan
Subject: Your Neurocam Application
Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 19:20:24 +1100

Dear Applicant

Thank you for expressing interest in Neurocam.

Your application has been forwarded to a designated officer within the Human Resources Security Division so that our organization can further evaluate your suitability for recruitment.

In the interest of facilitating an expedient assessment, the Human Resources Security Division is currently implementing a series of background checks. We apologize in advance for the potentially intrusive nature of these checks and assure you that Neurocam International only undertakes this course of action in the interest of protecting our propriety operational procedures. Any information gathered from this historical evaluation will be treated as strictly confidential.

If your application is successful you will be contacted by Mr. Charles Hastings, Head of Neurocam International's Operations Division. Mr. Hastings will further inform you about the nature of the tasks Neurocam requires you to complete.

An unsuccessful application will result in the cessation of all further correspondence between Neurocam and yourself.

Neurocam appreciates that in 83.6% of instances, new applicants experience a desire to enquire about many issues which may further enlighten them as to the true nature of Neurocam. Due to the need to maintain a high level of operational security Neurocam is unable to provide much of the information desired by entry level participants.

We can, however, inform you of the following - Neurocam is a process which you are already part of.

Having said this, if you do have any questions, please feel free to contact me directly. I will endeavor to answer as many of your enquiries as Neurocam's Organizational Security Guidelines allow.

Thank you once again for expressing interest in Neurocam. I hope that your application will be successful and that I will soon have the pleasure of working with you.

Warm Regards,

Maxwell Knight
Head, Human Resources Security Division
Neurocam International

Three days later, on the 22nd - my 'sec check' presumably complete - I received another:

From: Neurocam Enquiries
Reply-To: Neurocam Operations
To: Teigan
Subject: Completion of Neurocam Application Process.
Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 23:26:31 +1100

Dear Applicant

To conclude Neurocam's application process ALL APPLICANTS are required to complete the following questionnaire and perception-based assessment.

An assessment of the applicant's suitability for operational deployment will be made following the fulfillment of these non-negotiable pre-requisites.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

NEUROCAM QUESTIONAIRE - NCI-1001/02

1. How did you hear about Neurocam?
2. What are your expectations of Neurocam?
3. What is your lucky number?
4. Do you instinctively turn left or right?
5. Complete this sentence - "Neurocam is."

END NEUROCAM QUESTIONAIRE - NCI-1001/02

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

APPLICANT PERCEPTION ASSESSMENT NCI-2001/01

(A) MISSION.

Assess applicant's perception abilities.

(B) EXECUTION.

1. Write a detailed account of everything that happens between 4pm and 9pm on Monday January 3, 2005. Pay particular attention to any occurrence which may be deemed "out of the ordinary". Include in your account two images that represent the best and worst things that happen on Monday 3, 2005.

2. Submit this report via email to operations@neurocam.com by close of business Friday January 7, 2005.

(C) OPERATIONAL SECURITY.

Not Applicable.

(D) GUIDELINES.

As with all Neurocam assignments, you will be assessed on the manner in which you complete this assignment.

Intelligence and creativity are traits highly valued by Neurocam and a demonstration of both of these will expedite your further advancement within the organization. Your application and aptitude in this assignment will be the basis for consideration for operational integration.

ENDS APPLICANT PERCEPTION ASSESSMENT NCI-2001/01

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Regards,

Charles Hastings
Head, Operations Division
Neurocam International

My beloved little sister arrived in town for Christmas on December 24th. She'd never heard of Neurocam, but she was reading The Magus by John Fowles, a book pointedly namechecked by masked Neuro-representative 'Neville Harris' in the Age article. I took it as an omen.

On new years' day, I answered the questionnaire:

From: Teigan
To: Neurocam Operations
Subject: Re: Completion of Neurocam Application Process.
Date: 1 January 2005 3:03:14 PM

NEUROCAM QUESTIONAIRE - NCI-1001/02

1. How did you hear about Neurocam?

From Marc Moncrief's Dec 18 article in The Age, via metafilter.com.

2. What are your expectations of Neurocam?

I have no concrete expectations. The Age article was intriguing, and had me chasing down myriad online trails trying to get a better handle on the whole thing, which was entertaining and intrigued me even more.

Given the substantial number of new signups one presumes Neurocam has received recently, I reckon it's unlikely I'll be selected as an operative. If I am, maybe the assignments will help add some colour to my currently rather lacklustre existence. Maybe I'll be kidnapped and horribly tortured by ruthless sociopaths, which would make for an entertaining dinner party anecdote or two. Maybe my involvement with Neurocam will help me to gain greater self-knowledge, and ultimately
crack the baffling puzzlebox of my own tortured psyche. Maybe it'll drive me hopelessly insane.

Perhaps I will discover that time, the self, physical matter, and everything else that goes into making up this shallow world of forms in which we all naively "believe" "we" "live" is nothing but an illusion, engineered by intelligent machines as a power source. Woah.

Perhaps not.

Who knows?

3. What is your lucky number?

Until recently I'd have said 27, but for now I don't have one.

4. Do you instinctively turn left or right?

Left. I think. No, right. Maybe. Depends on what's triggered my instinctive turning reflex, and why.

5. Complete this sentence - "Neurocam is."

.. asking me questions.
.. an immersive, interactive, theatrical art project / largescale public headfuck / prank masquerading as something darker and more sinister than it really is.
.. bizarrely well-funded for an organisation with no obvious revenue stream.
.. none of the above.
.. not what I think it is.
.. a proper noun with no known referent.

"Neurocam is." is not a sentence. Or is it?

1. Write a detailed account of everything that happens between 4pm and 9pm on Monday January 3, 2005.

*Everything* that happens? Does this include things that happen in other timezones? If so, should the account refer to everything occurring between 4pm and 9pm in those locales, or in mine?

Happy new year.

- T

.. and received the following reply from Operations Division head Charles Hastings within the hour:

To: Teigan
From: Neurocam Operations
Subject: Re: Completion of Neurocam Application Process.
Date: 1 January 2005 3:56:09 PM

Dear Applicant Teigan

An eye for semantics is trait highly valued by the management of Neurocam International. You are quite correct in your supposition that the act of detailing "everything" that happens between 4pm and 9pm would be remarkably difficult.

Does this mean that we intend for you to document events which only occur in your immediate vicinity? Unfortunately this is a question I am not permitted to answer.

The interpretation of the instructions contained within Neurocam Perception Assessment NCI-2001/02 is entirely at the discretion of the applicant. The manner in which you choose to apply that interpretation will further allow Neurocam International to assess your suitability for operational deployment.

In response to your query about time zones - Neurocam International would prefer that you complete the assessment during 4pm and 9pm of the time zone in which you are physically present during that period.

Regards,

Charles Hastings
Head, Operations Division
Neurocam International

The game was afoot.